Season Seven: The (Not Quite) Last Hurrah

Season Seven was amazing in its own right. It was a season much in doubt as many had come to accept that it may be the last since Frank was gone and there were only six shows on the schedule. Also, for many, Dr. Forrester's mother, Pearl, was not a welcome replacement for Frank. However, up on the SOL things were just fine as show quality didn't suffer. In fact, it increased for the first half of the season. It was almost as if the staff wanted to go down with guns blazing and give the fans a big "Thank You".


Season Rank and Reflections

Andrew's Rank:

# 9

Mstie Rank:

# 5
Even though this was a shortened season, I believe ranking it this low is justified. 703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell is enshrined and the "Chicken of Tomorrow" short is a classic, but pound-for-pound this season just didn't produce enough good shows to get it up any higher. However, this season was a breath of fresh air as it was very diverse. Season Six was overloaded with dramas, but this season had a bit of everything. There were six shows but five different genres.


RPMs (Riffs Per Minute)

The gun-blazing was even more apparent as RPMs dramatically increased over the course of the season. In fact, this was the only season to have an average RPM of at least ten.



5.389 11.563 701 702 703 704 705 706


Andrew's Enshrined & Choice Eps

Mstie Enshrined & Choice Eps

# 23 - 703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell

# 23 - 706: Laserblast
# 25 - 703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell
# 34 - 704: Incredible Melting Man


RPM Top 44

Mstie Bottom 44

# 4 - 10.933 - 706: Laserblast
# 11 - 10.611 - 703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell
# 12 - 10.601 - 704: Incredible Melting Man
# 43 - 9.935 - 705: Escape 2000



Excellence Explained - Why the Good is Good

703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell - -

Andrew's Rank: #23

-

Mstie Rank: #25


When Deathstalker rolled around, Mst3k was in limbo. I think a lot of Msties who experienced the original airing of this episode were reminded of 301: Cave Dwellers and were immediately comforted. For those of us that didn't, this episode filled a very important need of any B-movie fan; the need to watch a cheesy sword & sandal film every once in awhile. There aren't a lot of these kinds of movies in the Mst3k library. Perhaps the Hercules movies fill this void to a certain extent, but there's just nothing like 301: Cave Dwellers, 519: Outlaw, and this one for 1980's S&S cheese.


Available on - 5 episodes - 83%

701: Night Bloodbst

Box Set #16

703: D-stlkr & Wrs Hell

Box Set #35

706: Laserblast

Box Set #13

702: Brute Man

Box Set #22

704: Incrdble Mltng Man

Box Set #36





<< >>

701: Night o/t Bloodbeast

RPM

9.808

Speedy

B-

Alien Invasion : 1958 : Black/White : - Box Set #16

Andrew's Rank:

74

Mstie Rank:

44

RPM Rank:

50

Short:

Once Upon a Honeymoon



Yikes! Now THAT'S awesome! Can someone un-tilt the credits, please?

Characters:


Movie:
Aliens think they're just so smart, and then we kill them. This movie is about that very thing. A test pilot is shot into space and then shot right back to earth. Your tax dollars at work! But something goes wrong during reentry and his capsule crashes and he dies, or so his scientist friends think when they bring him back to headquarters and examine him. That is, until the dead guy gets up and starts talking after a magnetic interference knocks out power and radio transmissions. Connection? Yes. Aliens have made this guy a host for other aliens, something he is very comfortable with as he is convinced that the aliens mean well towards mankind. His friends aren't so sure and pack a little firepower for their meeting with the alien who then reveals plans to use humans as unwilling hosts for alien colonization. The host guy stabs himself and the alien dies cursing humanity in a Molotov cocktail blaze. Side note: The alien claims that he can speak English through a type of photosynthesis. (?!?!) One of our heroes is Ed Nelson who played crime master Bob Denby in show #814. Fave character: Ed Nelson's character for knowing to bring heavy artillery to his meeting with the alien.

Reflections:

Frank is gone, and I IMMEDIATELY miss him. In the latter episodes of MST3K Pearl becomes likeable, but I have a big problem warming up to her in the way that BBI introduced her. What is with the mental and physical abuse she puts Clayton through? I think a big part of my problem is that as evil as Dr. F is, we've spent the last six years forging a tolerant bond at worst, loving friendship at best with him and then to see him cut down so uncomfortably is very off-putting.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

171
-Tom and Crow show Mike their new security devices up close.

Not good.


-Dr. F gives a trombone recital.

Not good.


-Mike and Tom are angels who bring Gypsy whatever she wants as Mike plays piano.

Classic!!


-Pearl makes Dr. F apologize for... something.

Not good.


-Crow gets upset with NOT being pregnant.

Okay.


-Crow gets upset with babies.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Large wounded animals are bad.

Host Seg Rank:

119
-Happy Thanksgiving! The crew talk about the game.

Great!


-Dr. F has a dinner party for some guests. Pearl and Crow talk it up.

Okay.


-Stuffing or potatoes? The battle rages on.

Great!


-Crow and Pearl talk.

Not good.


-Dr. F and guests give thanks. Jack Perkins and Mr. B are engaged.

Great!


-Tom is an evil Mincemeat Pie. Jack Perkins talks.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Large wounded animals are bad.




<< >>

702: Brute Man

RPM

9.195

Steady

D

Drama : 1946 : Black/White : - Box Set #22

Andrew's Rank:

148

Mstie Rank:

82

RPM Rank:

88

Short:

Chicken of Tomorrow



They didn't waste precious budget money on a tag line. So, the Brute Man only has seven fingers total?

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

94
-Servo buys a duplex.

Not good.


-Pearl is on a date, leaving Crow in charge. Gypsy shall live.

Great!


-Tom wants to hatch from an egg, but Mike breaks him.

Okay.


-Mike calls an ex-girlfriend for help but her son hogs the phone.

Classic!!


-Crow sings a song about Tom Dewey.

Great!


-Mike reads letters while Tom is a horrible landlord. Dr. F turns Pearl's boyfriend into a chicken.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Creeper? You give ME the creeps!




<< >>

703: Deathstalker and Warriors from Hell

RPM

10.611

Vroom!

A

Fantasy : 1988 : Color : - Box Set #35

Andrew's Rank:

23

Mstie Rank:

25

RPM Rank:

11

That warrior dude looks cool. Too bad HE'S not in the movie. They spent half the budget on this title art, didn't they? All together fighting tight to tight.
Behold, it's Tomwinkle, the sharp-tongued juggler!

Characters:

Mike: "They missed on the haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years."

Deathstalker

: Self-proclaimed hero who thinks it's all one big joke. He promises to protect...

Princess Carissa

: Humble and caring princess who possesses one half of a sacred stone that will save her people when the two halves are joined. Her twin sister is...

Princess Elizena

: Very unhumble and indifferent version of her sister. She's on her way to marry...

Troxartas

: Tyrant and possessor of the other half of the sacred stone who thinks Elizena will lead him to Carissa's half. His wife is...

Camisarde

: Unhappy in her marriage but will do anything for Troxartas.

Nicias

: Good guy sorcerer who knows that there are really three pieces of the stone but wants to be careful who he gives that information to.

Marinda

: Potato-loving Amazon who is madly in love with Deathstalker.

Tom: "The director's vision: confusion wracked with ambiguity."

Movie:
There's a guy not actually stalking death and some soldiers who used to be dead, however the divine eternity from whence they came is not revealed. This is your standard late 80's sword and sorcery film that excels only in its unoriginality, except for two items. One, our villain, Troxartas, is balding, unmuscular and generally unthreatening and two, D-stalker is as equally unthreatening. He's no Conan. Anyway, Trox is trying to find the other half of a mystic stone that will give him unlimited power, or at least we assume. He revives fallen warriors to find the other stone. Deathstalker's job is to steal Trox's stone before Trox steals the other stone from a wizard sworn to protect it for a princess so she can rebuild a destroyed kingdom. The only good thing about this movie is the guy who plays D-stalker seems to not take it too seriously and is actually likeable. This is only one of many films in the D-stalker series and it's hard to imagine the others are worse. Fave character: D-stalker and his trademark "I'm so clever" laugh.

Reflections:

Crow: "Oh no, this is a sequel to something!"

"Cave Dwellers" will always hold a special place in my heart and until this episode came along, I was really missing a good sword and sandal film with some really great riffing. This one really delivered and the host segments about the Ren Fest are hilarious. Enshrinement ease: Took some thought but I decided that the brightest spot in the shortened seventh season had some great quality riffing, even if Pearl annoys me to death.

Tom: "Always show the audience the inside of your hero's mouth."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

98
-Crow has new hair, and several implants.

Okay.


-Dr. F tries to order lunch from the crew while Pearl annoys him.

Not good.


-The bots put on a Ren Fest, much to Mike's delight, but not his wallet's.

Classic!!


-Mike wants more Ren Fest, but the only thing left is petting the dead camel.

Classic!!


-Crow reads a romance novel to an ailing Pearl.

Not good.


-Tom forges one ring to rule us all and Dr. F chugs some milk.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Scary Amazon woman announces her favorite food.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Troxartas can't get the jewel to revive the undead, so he flails it about with interesting sound effects.




<< >>

704: Incredible Melting Man

RPM

10.601

Vroom!

C

Mutant Human(s) : 1977 : Color : - Box Set #36

Andrew's Rank:

106

Mstie Rank:

34

RPM Rank:

12

Come prepared for what? Rain? Business casual? Are we going swimming? Incredible or icky?

Characters:


Movie:
The title is quite correct and therefore this movie is a bit nasty. The explanation of how the melting man was created doesn't make any sense. We see an astronaut, Steve, on a vessel and then a big solar flare and then the astronaut with blood dripping from his nose. Then it cuts to a hospital. Steve gets up from his bed, removes his bandages, and sees that he has severe burns. He kills the nurse and escapes the hospital. Enter Ted Nelson, a doctor charged with finding Steve before he kills again. Ted has an interesting home life, with his wife pregnant with their first and an Army general living with them to supervise the Steve case. The middle of the movie is Steve killing people and Ted hot on Steve's trail of gooey puddles of human material and various body parts left on trees as Steve continues to melt. The end of the movie is Ted and Steve having a final showdown. The police show up, Ted defends Steve, only to be shot in the head. Steve runs off and sits next to a trash can and finally dissolves into a final puddle of goo. The day after, Ted is dead, his wife is alone, and a janitor arrives at work to find a large mess out side his office. He cleans it up. The end. Ick. One part of this movie is actually quite touching with Steve stumbling into a cemetery and seeming to question God as to why this is happening to him. Fave character: The general. Beer and turkey legs all around!

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

127
-The crew play baseball and have a bench-clearer.

Classic!!


-A studio purchased "Earth vs. Soup", and the budget is $800.

Not good.


-At a script reading, no one has the right script.

Okay.


-Crow shoots the film. He's inept and it doesn't go well.

Okay.


-Dr. Forester shows the movie to a focus group and discusses their reaction.

Classic!!


-Crow's film is released... as a trailer.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Old people get the hell out of there.




<< >>

705: Escape 2000

RPM

9.935

Speedy

C-

Futuristic/Apocalyptic : 1984 : Color

Andrew's Rank:

109

Mstie Rank:

45

RPM Rank:

43

Why isn't he aiming at the bad guys? And what's with the back alley? Now that's more like it! There are only 2000 people in New York?

Characters:


Movie:
This is an Italian film about New York. Huh? The premise is cool, I guess, but the movie concerns only the Bronx, not the collective human race as do most apocalyptic-type films. Anyway, the government and it's friendly building contractor want to upgrade the Bronx slums whose inhabitants don't want to leave even though they are being offered nice houses and jobs in New Mexico. (Dramatic pause). The gov't can't imagine why no one wants to leave and, unbeknownst to the general public, forcefully removes the residents by throwing them in vans and shipping them southwest or worse, setting them on fire. This causes a small rebellion of gangs to form and resist the relocation. One such person is our hero, Trash, whose parents were murdered by the gov't. He contracts a rebel to kidnap the president of the construction company. They do, but he escapes only to be killed by the vice pres of the company who wants his job. Many things explode and many people are shot but all for seemingly naught as nothing changes except for the corrupt president being replaced by an equally corrupt person. This doesn't stop the gangs from feeling that they've won. Fave character: The gang leader, Tobelerone.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

150
-Crow holds an auction and sells a dollar for 75 cents.

Great!


-The SOL burns and Dr. F puts Pearl in a home.

Okay.


-The SOL still burns, but Crow is relaxed with biofeedback.

Okay.


-Mike and the bots have men's night, but Crow doesn't understand.

Okay.


-Timmy Bobby Rusty can't save the ratings.

Not good.


-Toblerone shows up and laughs and laughs and laughs.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Toblerone laughs it up.




<< >>

706: Laserblast

RPM

10.933

Vroom!

C-

Mutant Human(s) : 1977 : Color : - Box Set #13

Andrew's Rank:

113

Mstie Rank:

23

RPM Rank:

4

The kind-of Millennium Falcon, the almost Mark Hamill, and the sort-of light saber are too much to ignore. It's all one word because we CAN!

Characters:


Movie:
This is probably not the only MST3K feature to receive a good review in various movie guides, but this one received 2.5 out of 4 starts from famous critic Leonard Maltin. So is Maltin or MST3K wrong? Make your own decision. Our movie starts with a zombie-looking guy stumbling through the desert with a large attachment on his arm. Aliens show up, disintegrate him, and take off, leaving the attachment and a necklace. A kid then finds both items and discovers the attachment is an alien ray gun and the necklace is the battery. However, both items cause the wearer to become, ummm, weird looking. It's never really explained why. Nor is it explained where the gun or necklace or aliens came from or why they killed the previous owner and why they didn't take the gun with them if they didn't want anyone to have it. And so our movie is about this kid who uses the gun to retaliate against all those who have wronged him, be they fat cops who write harassing tickets or jocks who rape his girlfriend. The aliens suddenly show up and zap him dead. Our movie ends with the girlfriend mourning his loss. Roddy McDowall has a bit part and is responsible for one of the 2.5 stars. Fave character: The sheriff. In a movie where nothing is explained, he makes the most sense.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

46
-Mike is tied up so the robots can make a joke.

Okay.


-Dr. Forester's funding has been cut and he's moving out of Deep 13. Mike takes command of the ship.

Okay.


-A perfect satellite visits the SOL and Mike and the bots pick on him.

Great!


-The ship is caught in a field of Star Babies, and one has a dirty diaper.

Classic!!


-Mike is dressed to command the ship and goes totally mental.

Classic!!


-The crew become pure energy and play at the edge of the universe. Dr. F becomes a baby.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Far out!