Shorts: Little Yet Mighty.

What were shorts? Simply put, shorts were, well short versions of MST3K greatness. I like to call them "MST One-hitters". They were ten to twenty minute films that consisted of anything from old black and white serials to advertisements for freezers to instructional videos which, in turn, ranged from how to join the marching band to how to sell a car to how to cope with those feelings you get when there's an attractive (or not) member of the opposite sex within pawing distance.


Shorts Reflections

Ahhhh, MST3K Shorts. How I do love thee. To get my MST3K fix, often times there are marathon MST3K viewings. But what if I'm short on time? What if I have just a few minutes to spare? Or, what if there's so much going on in my brain that I need some quick medicine? Enter, Shorts. In my honest opinion, there is nothing that needs/deserves to be riffed more than the instructional short and there is no better platform for riffing. Shorts only have so much time to make their point, then they're over. This rapid shifting often led to rapid and hilarious riffing. Shorts were a completely different entity than the movie they were featured with, so I have separated them out and given each one the treatment it rightly deserves.


RPMs (Riffs Per Minute)

Indeed, the average short RPM is higher than the average movie RPM. In fact, the top 20% of shorts averages one whole RPM better than the top 20% of movies! To put it another way, there are five shorts whose RPMs are higher than the RPM of the BEST movie!



5.389 11.563 102 103 105 107 107 108 109 109 110 203 205 206 210 307 311 313 315 315 317 319 320 320 406 407 409 413 415 417 419 421 422 423 424 503 507 510 514 515 518 520 524 602 603 607 608 609 610 613 616 618 619 621 621 623 701 702 906 912 1012 9221


Andrew's Enshrined & Choice Eps

RPM Top 11

# 1 - Mr. B Natural
# 2 - Are You Ready for Marriage?
# 3 - Why Study Industrial Arts?
# 4 - Young Man's Fancy
# 5 - What To Do On a Date
# 6 - Last Clear Chance
# 7 - Chicken of Tomorrow
# 8 - Hired 1
# 9 - Hired 2
# 10 - Circus on Ice
# 11 - Date with Your Family
# 12 - Speech: Using Your Voice
# 13 - Body Care and Grooming
# 14 - Progress Island USA
# 15 - Home Economics Story
# 16 - Here Comes the Circus
# 17 - Assignment Venezuela
# 18 - Cheating

# 1 - 12.771 - Undersea Kingdom 2
# 2 - 12.514 - Junior Rodeo Daredevils
# 3 - 11.870 - Undersea Kingdom 1
# 4 - 11.803 - Hired 1
# 5 - 11.623 - Here Comes the Circus
# 6 - 11.399 - Juvenile Deliquency
# 7 - 11.376 - Phantom Creeps 2
# 8 - 11.203 - Day at the Fair
# 9 - 10.813 - Snow Thrills
# 10 - 10.505 - Design for Dreaming
# 11 - 10.375 - Robot Rumpus



Available on - 60 episodes - 100%

Alphabet Antics

Box Set #33

Date with Your Family

Box Set #2

Out of This World

Essentials

Appreciating Our Parents

Box Set #3

Day at the Fair

Box Set #23

Phantom Creeps 1

Box Set #31

Aquatic Wizards

Box Set #35

Days of Our Years

Box Set #3

Phantom Creeps 2

Box Set #27

Are You Ready for Marriage?

Box Set #15

Design for Dreaming

Box Set #35

Phantom Creeps 3

Box Set #11

Assignment Venezuela

Box Set #7

General Hospital 1

Box Set #14

Posture Pals

Box Set #3

Body Care and Grooming

Box Set #31

General Hospital 2

Box Set #17

Progress Island USA

Box Set #18

Catching Trouble

Box Set #35

General Hospital 3

Box Set #18

Robot Rumpus

Box Set #31

Century 21 Calling

Box Set #7

Here Comes the Circus

Box Set #28

Selling Wizard

Box Set #8

Cheating

Single

Hired 1

Box Set #19

Snow Thrills

Box Set #24

Chicken of Tomorrow

Box Set #22

Hired 2

Essentials

Speech: Platform Appearance

Single

Circus on Ice

Box Set #8

Home Economics Story

Box Set #34

Speech: Using Your Voice

Box Set #33

Commando Cody 1

Box Set #15

Is this Love?

Box Set #10

Spring Fever

Box Set #31

Commando Cody 2

Box Set #14

Johnny at the Fair

Box Set #12

Truck Farmer

Single

Commando Cody 3

Box Set #16

Junior Rodeo Daredevils

Box Set #7

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm

Box Set #1

Commando Cody 4

Box Set #19

Juvenile Deliquency

Box Set #3

Undersea Kingdom 1

Box Set #6

Commando Cody 5

Box Set #19

Keeping Clean and Neat

Box Set #9

Undersea Kingdom 2

Box Set #11

Commando Cody 6

Box Set #27

Last Clear Chance

Box Set #32

What To Do On a Date

Box Set #10

Commando Cody 7

Box Set #20

Money Talks

Box Set #18

Why Study Industrial Arts?

Box Set #1

Commando Cody 8

Box Set #20

Mr. B Natural

Box Set #34

X Marks the Spot

Box Set #23

Commando Cody 9

Box Set #25

Once Upon a Honeymoon

Box Set #16

Young Man's Fancy

Box Set #22





<< >>

andrew:38

Alphabet Antics

RPM

10.136

Vroom!

C-

307: Daddy-O : - Box Set #33

Andrew's Rank:

38

RPM Rank:

14

Does this mean it's too cold to go out for recess? "C" is for "cat". Tortured cat. "N" is for "float".
That kid is huge!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:22

Appreciating Our Parents

RPM

7.745

Snail

B

320: Unearthly : - Box Set #3

Andrew's Rank:

22

RPM Rank:

52

Or their money. Whatever. Mom? Dad? Oh my gosh, that's disgusting! Dad's job is to pull the lever down at the big house.
Tommy fixed some broken train track himself, killing 400 commuters.

Characters:

Narrator: "Next mother did the ironing."

Tom: "The most satisfying part of her day."

Tommy

: Our young hero. He's got some important decisions to make about himself, every one of which is emphasized by...

Narrator

: He vocalizes Tommy's thought processes regarding...

Tommy's Parents

: The Mr. and Mrs. who work darn hard to keep the family out of the red.

Crow: "Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face."

Short:
So, what the heck do parents do all day and why can't I have a bigger allowance? Enter this short to answer all of your and Tommy's questions. Tommy is a young boy who likes toys and money. Not having any money of his own, he prepares to ask his father for a pay hike. But suddenly, an epiphany! Tommy sees his parents doing dishes and talking about their day. Dad had a rough day as an electrician, and Mom spent all day cooking, cleaning, ironing, and mending. And you know, they each work hard on their family team so why can't Tommy? He can! Tommy sees the light and starts keeping his room clean, taking better care of his stuff, and fixing his toys when they break. For all of this, Tommy is rewarded with a bigger allowance! Yay!

Reflections:

Joel: "Tommy's the lathe of heaven."

A lot of the shorts on MST3K are about unpleasant subjects or are boring documentaries. But this one is actually a very sweet short with a good message. May every kid strive to be like Tommy!




<< >>

andrew:29

Aquatic Wizards

RPM

9.704

Speedy

C+

315: Teenage Caveman : - Box Set #35

Andrew's Rank:

29

RPM Rank:

21

That would never work in Scrabble. This little game is called, "Sure Death".

Characters:

Tom: "Forget about lifejackets, this is the fifties!"

Skiers

: Inexperienced youth and experienced adults who show us what kind of water sports happen at...

Cypress Gardens, Florida

: A theme park in Central Florida. There's a large lake, but also shallow swamps where it's popular to dodge trees while skiing.

Narrator: "Where's the third fellow? He's chicken. Never jumped at all."

Crow: "What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! (Gunshots)"

Short:
Waterskiing is fun, even when it's for your life! This short takes us to Cypress Gardens, FL to show us various events from the waterski shows and classes that go on there. Free from the burden of lifejackets, kids as young as seven years old take to the water for the first time after learning proper waterskiing posture. Then we get to see professional waterskiers perform tricks such as barefooting, pyramids, straight jumps, spinning jumps, ski ballets, couples skiing, and dodging cypress trees and crocodiles at 30 miles per hour in a trick called "The Cypress Gardens Weave", which Tom more correctly names "Sure Death."

Reflections:

Narrator: "He holds the world record of well over a hundred feet in board jumping."

Crow: "I'm bored jumping."

Cypress Gardens popularized waterskiing in the USA in the 40's. Soldiers returning or on leave from WW2 relaxed with waterskiing and more than several waterskiing world records were broken there. In its prime, it was one of the top tourist destinations in the country. On a side note, I grew up skiing. I've "drunk a lot of water", as they say. This short causes an actual, physical, spine-tingling reaction in me as I watch non-lifejacketed people ski through timbered water. Even if there's nothing above the surface, there might be a two-foot trunk just below. (SHIVER!)




<< >>

andrew:2

Are You Ready for Marriage?

RPM

9.019

Steady

A+

616: Racket Girls : - Box Set #15

Andrew's Rank:

2

RPM Rank:

33

Yeah, I'm sick of sex anyway. Cupid's Checklist is part of my fantasy kingdom. This is my Marriage Development Board, patent pending.
Congratulations, you've mastered the Boing!

Characters:

Dr. Hall: "Have either of you ever been in love before?"

Mike: "Does my uncle count?"

Larry & Sue

: The betrothed-to-be who soon realize they jumped the gun on getting engaged. They are counseled by...

Dr. Hall

: Marriage counselor who helps couples get ready for the day-in, day-out, give and take life of marriage with his "marriage development board".

Sue's Parents

: They know that Larry and Sue aren't ready for the rigors of marriage and thus protest the engagement, or at least until they realize how hard Larry and Sue have worked at their marriage prep.

Dr. Hall: "It takes more than this 'boing'."

Crow: "Sometimes there a 'shplurt'."

Short:
Larry and Sue have been going steady for a few months are ready to tie the knot, much to the chagrin of Sue's parents. Larry plots eloping, much to the chagrin of Sue who wants a church wedding with parties and showers. They seek assistance from the marriage counselor at the local church, wanting him to convince Sue's parents to lay off. Much to Larry and Sue's surprise, the counselor instead convinces the youths that they are, in fact, not ready for marriage through the use of his "Marriage Development Board" and technical spreadsheets of data. Determined to win, Larry and Sue start to discuss and develop their relationship. Sue's parents, impressed with their progress, agree to send Sue to college with Larry and announce their engagement, should they continue to grow as a couple. Awwwww!

Reflections:

Tom: "The tepid embrace tells me they're ready for marriage."

In my opinion, the subject matter of this short is ageless. I would much like to see this short updated because it has a very good message that all kids need to hear. That, and the pin-point, darn near PERFECT riffing make this one of my all-time favorite shorts.




<< >>

andrew:17

Assignment Venezuela

RPM

8.701

Slow

B+

: - Box Set #7

Andrew's Rank:

17

RPM Rank:

37

Action-packed series premiere this fall. "The Guinness Book says this is the narrowest wide lake in the world." "You'll never make me talk!"

Characters:

Mike: "It's called 'Venezuelalization'."

Jim

: An engineer and employee of Creole Oil. He has been assigned to live in Venezuela for a few years to help the developing country with it's oil industry. He writes letters to...

Jim's Family

: Jim's wife and two boys who anxiously await for Jim to get settled in Venezuela so that they can come join him.

Venezuela

: The country itself. When there's not oil drilling going on, it's actually a pretty nice place.

Jim: "A long and lonely evening, without you."

Crow: "I'm lying! I stayed up 'til nine and had Cokes! Please forgive me!"

Short:
Jim works for Creole Oil who sends him to live and work in Venezuela. Jim seems rather receptive of the idea, as does his family. Through letters to his family, Jim familiarizes them with the thriving metropolises of Maracaibo and Lagunillas. Creole Oil takes good care of its employees, providing them and the surrounding community with schools, shopping malls, roads, and plenty of places to get a Coke. Jim initially suffers from the language barrier, but, through intense studying, is soon fluent in the language and culture of Venezuela, only to have his family arrive and speak some fluent Spanish of their own. Ba dum ching!

Reflections:

Mike: "You can smell the oil, oozing from every pore of the land."

This short was originally unaired, as they were saving it for the MST3K CD-Rom game. Alas, the game was never finished and this short was lost. That is, until MST3K started being released on DVD and this was added as a bonus feature. And thank GOODNESS it was! Even though it might be considered lost, and even if the riff rate isn't his high as other shorts, this is a welcome addition to the series.




<< >>

andrew:13

Body Care and Grooming

RPM

9.485

Speedy

A-

510: Painted Hills : - Box Set #31

Andrew's Rank:

13

RPM Rank:

25

Body Care and Grooming. They're cops! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to underpants. Just look at that sidewalk!
I'm so naughty!

Characters:

Crow: "Don't change a tire with your face."

Narrator

: Our cleanliness expert who takes every opportunity to shame...

Young Lady

: Our heroine who is in need of some sprucing up so that guys can objectify her.

Short: "You don't look like the type to make this guy act like a human being."

Joel: "You know, to make him grope you and paw at you."

Short:
Being clean is very important to college students, especially because hooking up with the opposite sex is hindered by not being so. This short reminds us that body care isn't complicated as there are just a few hundred things to remember. We also learn everything we've ever wanted to know about oil and sweat and their production by the skin; the most important organ, EVER! Skin has many vital properties, but mostly it just gets dirty and thus is rich in many different types of illness-begetting organisms. Our step-by-step instructions include video of a woman in the shower, which , I imagine at the time, was the most risque thing anyone had ever seen.

Reflections:

Short: "Wearing uncomfortable clothing, like these shoes..."

Tom: "Is immoral."

The MST3K version of this short only focuses on the female, but the uncut version includes male grooming. If they HAD to cut some out, they cut the correct half, but I would've liked to have seen the whole thing.




<< >>

andrew:43

Catching Trouble

RPM

9.860

Speedy

D+

315: Teenage Caveman : - Box Set #35

Andrew's Rank:

43

RPM Rank:

17

Can you catch trouble in a bottle?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:36

Century 21 Calling

RPM

8.199

Slow

C

906: Space Children : - Box Set #7

Andrew's Rank:

36

RPM Rank:

45

Tell Century 21 I'm not here.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:18

Cheating

RPM

8.629

Slow

B+

515: Wild, Wild, World of Batwoman : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

18

RPM Rank:

39

How to make it work for you at home and on the job. Not even a disembodied head can stop John's evil. No cheating here. Nope. Certainly not.
Here's the money and you need to lose by at least 5.

Characters:

Short: "I said I'd call him after the meeting."

Mike: "If you want, I could turn him into furniture."

John Taylor

: School council rep. and football star turned scorned outcast.

Mary Matthews

: Our tragic heroine who is as pure as snow but makes one tragic mistake.

Ms. Granby

: Teacher and whistle blower that razes the school's fragile societal structure with her allegations.

Short: "You were busy as usual with football."

Tom: "Shaving points."

Short:
Public humiliation awaits those who cheat, or so this short warns us. We watch as John Taylor assumes his role in the student council, which necessitates his grades being kept up. Not a problem, but for that pesky calculus. He guilts Mary into helping him pass a test, but like a bear tasting blood, John cannot stop cheating, which catches up to both he and Mary. As a result, his cheating is made public and the student council votes him off. Some shorts take a dark subject and attempt to lighten it up, but this short turns the ancient art of cheating into the eighth deadly sin.

Reflections:

Short: (John talks to the Student Council)

Crow: "I envision a cheating wing."

Truly a diamond in the rough. I don't like the episode this short comes with, but the short is nothing short of genius. M&TB completely roll with the very dark aura this movie gives off and the result is brilliant!




<< >>

andrew:7

Chicken of Tomorrow

RPM

9.227

Steady

A

702: Brute Man : - Box Set #22

Andrew's Rank:

7

RPM Rank:

29

The Bill Clinton story! This stage is called the "nugget" stage. A selection of ciders and spring waters should be kept on hand.
These are your chickens on drugs.

Characters:

Crow: "Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them."

Chickens

: A multitude of the feathery host allows us a sneak-peek at its innermost workings.

Narrator

: Describes why egg farming is so fascinating and why you should keep your eggs clean.

Mike: "Eggs are complicated. They should cost $100 each."

Short:
Every nook and cranny of egg and chicken production is documented in this short. Chicken or the egg? Well, we start with the eggs in the incubator and watch chicks emerge. Then we watch them huddle around at the gazebo and drink plenty of water. They then grow up and dine on the open range until it's time for them to fulfill their purpose; the production of yet more eggs. The chickens that don't produce get a one-way ticket to the dinner table. Interesting how they show how plump the "chicken of tomorrow" is but they never tell us how it happens. At the end of the short, the petroleum industry is praised for supplying the necessary products to keep egg and chicken industries afloat.

Reflections:

Tom: "The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!"

I didn't see this short until it was commercially available in a collection of shorts and immediately fell in love. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if egg farming hasn't changed all that much.




<< >>

andrew:10

Circus on Ice

RPM

10.227

Vroom!

A-

421: Monster A Go-Go : - Box Set #8

Andrew's Rank:

10

RPM Rank:

13

I like my circus straight up. Women are pulled apart like fresh bread! Unshaven, stinky, and boozed up on Rumple Minze the hunters spray bullets into the woods.

Characters:

Joel: "You know, even my mom would be bored with this."

Ice Skaters

: A cast of dozens who lend their talents to the awe-inspiring wonder that is the Ice Show!

Short: "The hunters close in. There is no escape. They shoot!"

Tom: "They score!"

Short:
Ice carnivals have been going on for years, and this is proof. We watch as a variety show of sorts is performed on ice. Typists, secretaries, and housewives leave their normalcy behind and take part in a stunning production. The show is quite the acid trip as we watch skaters imitate acrobats and zebras at a circus, dancers in a ballet, and hunters gunning down a dragon in one act, and a helpless deer in another. This short is basically an eight-minute advertisement for all of the above, and it gets tedious rather quickly.

Reflections:

Short: "And now the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness."

Crow: "And kills it."

Tom's song about the pink cotton candy skaters being agents of Satan makes me double over EVERY time I hear it. It's one of my top MST3K moments ever.




<< >>

andrew:57

Commando Cody 1

RPM

6.472

Snail

F

102: Robot vs the Aztec Mummy : - Box Set #15

Andrew's Rank:

57

RPM Rank:

57

Moon Rocket in flight? Afternoon delight?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:52

Commando Cody 2

RPM

8.035

Slow

D-

103: Mad Monster : - Box Set #14

Andrew's Rank:

52

RPM Rank:

47

Yup. I hate biting into really hot pizza, too.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:53

Commando Cody 3

RPM

8.025

Slow

D-

105: Corpse Vanishes : - Box Set #16

Andrew's Rank:

53

RPM Rank:

48

What is your favorite color?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:55

Commando Cody 4

RPM

7.444

Snail

F

107: Robot Monster : - Box Set #19

Andrew's Rank:

55

RPM Rank:

55

Now boarding Flight to Destruction at Gate A. Anyone? Hello?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:56

Commando Cody 5

RPM

6.135

Snail

F

107: Robot Monster : - Box Set #19

Andrew's Rank:

56

RPM Rank:

59

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:58

Commando Cody 6

RPM

6.683

Snail

F

108: Slime People : - Box Set #27

Andrew's Rank:

58

RPM Rank:

56

The hills have eyes... of DEATH!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:54

Commando Cody 7

RPM

5.263

Snail

D-

109: Project Moonbase : - Box Set #20

Andrew's Rank:

54

RPM Rank:

60

Quick, get me a thesaurus and look up "destruction"!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:59

Commando Cody 8

RPM

6.442

Snail

F

109: Project Moonbase : - Box Set #20

Andrew's Rank:

59

RPM Rank:

58

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:60

Commando Cody 9

RPM

7.749

Snail

F

110: Robot Holocaust : - Box Set #25

Andrew's Rank:

60

RPM Rank:

51

Battlesphere?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:11

Date with Your Family

RPM

9.749

Speedy

A-

602: Invasion USA : - Box Set #2

Andrew's Rank:

11

RPM Rank:

20

Illegal in most of the lower 48 states. The women of the family look relaxed and attractive to the men so they're unsuspecting when they kill them. C'mon. It's time to scrub you.
Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.

Characters:

Mike: "I like my family as a friend."

Narrator

: Guides us through the entire dinner ritual, from start to finish.

Family

: Five-member clan that show us the yes's and absolute no's of dinner time.

Narrator: "...it makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy."

Crow: "And they already dislike you enough."

Short:
Every aspect of a thoroughly relaxing dinner is discussed. Older children should be responsible for the younger ones. Female children should help to make the dinner table attractive. Dinnertime conversation should be light and unemotional. Bad stuff should never be talked about. Father and Mother should be respected. Just remember those things, and all dinners will be treasured moments.

Reflections:

Tom: "A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant."

Speaking of violent arguments, I seem to remember some debate as to whether or not Hugh Beaumont was the narrator for this sort. It certainly sounds like him, but I don't think anything was ever settled. Hmmm...




<< >>

andrew:40

Day at the Fair

RPM

11.203

Vroom!

C-

608: Code Name: Diamondhead : - Box Set #23

Andrew's Rank:

40

RPM Rank:

8

Hopefully this is the abridged version.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:25

Days of Our Years

RPM

9.513

Speedy

B-

623: Amazing Transparent Man : - Box Set #3

Andrew's Rank:

25

RPM Rank:

24

Is that a lung?

Characters:

Tom: "Go in peace to love and serve Union Pacific."

Pastor

: Our Deacon of Death who fills us in on the deadly and depressing local goings-on.

Helen

: A young woman who's ready to be married and has her life all planned out, until she's saddled with her fiance's mistake. Said fiance is...

Joe

: Helen's betrothed who runs STOP signs so he can see Helen.

George

: Good ol' guy who is best friends and coworkers with his neighbor, until George kill him, after which it's awkward.

Charlie

: Father-to-be who focuses so much on passing out cigars to celebrate the birth of his first child that he forgets "gentle pressure".

Pastor: "Whenever I [stop for coffee] I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people who weren't even there."

Crow: "Oh sure... Huh?!"

Short:
There are safety videos that use light-hearted humor to make their point. Then, there are videos like this that are at the total opposite end of the spectrum and leave you on the verge of tears, albeit safe tears. Told from the perspective of a pastor, this short documents three cases in which momentary lapses in judgment had powerful ramifications. First, we see Joe and Helen, a promising young couple ready to be married and live in happiness, at least until Joe is so anxious to see Helen that he drives too fast, crashes, and thus spends the rest of his life in a neck brace, grumpy, needing Helen's care. Second, we meet George. Just days from retirement, he's inspired to press through an illness to get the job done. However, the "illness" turns out to be a heart attack. He passes out at the wheel of a multi-ton locomotive, crushing his best friend between two cars, ending their retirement plans and angering the dead man's son. Yikes. Lastly, we see Charlie who is so excited about the birth of his first child that he startles a welder who, in flailing around a welding torch in response, fries Charlie's eyes, blinding him. "Charlie has never seen his baby son. Charlie never will." Please! No more!!

Reflections:

Pastor: "A fellow worker hurt..."

Mike: "Get out of town, accident lover!"

Mst3k, by definition, riffs "bad" stuff. But is this short "bad"? I have to be honest, this short connects with me. It's purpose was to evoke emotions that would result in care being taken in potentially dangerous situations. It did that in spades. So, a "bad" short? No. Softened and made light-hearted with riffing? Yes!




<< >>

andrew:35

Design for Dreaming

RPM

10.505

Vroom!

C

524: 12 to the Moon : - Box Set #35

Andrew's Rank:

35

RPM Rank:

10

Nocturnal blueprints. It's a salute to Mr. B Natural! Pregnant woman and Schnauzer optional.
The "Extension of my Manhood" car! Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.

Characters:

Mike: "Excuse me. Move it buster. C'mon, it's my dream. Let me through."

Woman

: She dreams of a futuristic world full of baritone men and sleek cars.

Man

: Low register beau who seduces our heroine into attending a car show.

Woman: "I want a Pontiac, too."

Mike: "She is a high maintenance date."

Short:
Apparently, when women dream, it's about cars, or at least this short would have us believe. Our heroine dons a dress and flies off to the Waldorf to get a glimpse of what the future holds for the automotive industry. But that's not all! She also gets a vision of the kitchen of tomorrow and a futuristic city. That's about all there is to mention, save for the fact the the couple dance and sing their way through the entire short. Weird.

Reflections:

Tom: "No wonder they need a car. He has to carry her everywhere."

Just an okay short for me. It's interesting to see old cars when they were new.




<< >>

andrew:50

General Hospital 1

RPM

9.159

Steady

D-

413: Manhunt in Space : - Box Set #14

Andrew's Rank:

50

RPM Rank:

31

At this hospital, we do it all!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:51

General Hospital 2

RPM

7.861

Snail

D-

415: Beatniks : - Box Set #17

Andrew's Rank:

51

RPM Rank:

50

... and this is Corporal Fire Station.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:49

General Hospital 3

RPM

9.182

Steady

D

417: Crash o/t Moons : - Box Set #18

Andrew's Rank:

49

RPM Rank:

30

It's so general that they used the same title screen all three times.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:16

Here Comes the Circus

RPM

11.623

Vroom!

B+

422: Day the Earth Froze : - Box Set #28

Andrew's Rank:

16

RPM Rank:

5

It's Beelzebub the clown. Here come the circus freaks now. You're next up there.
They're doing it clown-style! Stella!

Characters:

Tom: "Children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand."

Narrator

: He excitedly takes us on a tour of the circus.

Daring participants

: Acrobats, lion trainers, and promiscuous clowns.

Tom: "Store this image away for a later nightmare."

Short:
The circus is in town! Cotton candy is a dime and the big-top entertainment is priceless. Witness daring aerial feats high above the net-free tent floor. See zebras elephants and trained lions. However, you may want to skip the clowns. Are they scary? Of course. But these also have a bizarre mating ritual.

Reflections:

Crow: "More more! I'm a bad clown!"

Not a bad little short, but the priceless thirty seconds we spend with the clowns on the trapeze pales everything else.




<< >>

andrew:8

Hired 1

RPM

11.803

Vroom!

A

423: Bride o/t Monster : - Box Set #19

Andrew's Rank:

8

RPM Rank:

4

The sequel is "Hired 2: Laid Off" If you flip it real fast the car seems to move. If I could read I'd know what the problem is.

Characters:

Crow: "Honey, I got a job can I come in please?"

Jimmy

: A nice young man with innate car-selling abilities who just got hired by...

Mr. Warren

: Chevy dealership manager who thinks his sales team is a bunch of lazy ingrates. Or, are they...?

Jimmy: "None of these prospects seem much good."

Crow: "So, time for booze."

Short:
Jimmy is hired as a car salesman at a local Chevy dealership because his new boss sees unmistakable promise within him. That is until Jimmy starts sucking at it. He knows his product just fine, but when customers have questions about competing products, he's helpless. Also, he just can't seem to hit prospects at the right time. Did Mr. Warren miss his mark with Jimmy, or are there forces more powerful at work here?

Reflections:

Jimmy: "I thought I knew something about trucks."

Joel: "But I was living a horrible lie."

I actually saw the second part of this short first and didn't catch the first part for some time. It was weird that BBI split this short up and even today it seems like two different shorts to me.




<< >>

andrew:9

Hired 2

RPM

9.426

Steady

A

424: Manos: Hands of Fate : - Essentials

Andrew's Rank:

9

RPM Rank:

26

Hired 2, Electric Boogaloo. I'm protecting myself from the flying elves. Dad, I'm beginning to sober up and you're scaring me.
I'll train you first, Jimmy, because you've got the most problems. Boss, can I kiss your butt on the way out? Eliot Ness and his Untouchables.

Characters:

Mr. Warren: "I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me..."

Crow: "Was Harry."

Jimmy

: He's struggling to sell cars until being lead to the promised land by...

Mr. Warren

: He realizes that his "not too hardworking" salesmen may just be waiting for a bit of leadership. This epiphany comes compliments of...

Elder Mr. Warren

: He reminds his son of all the leadership HE received when he first started in the car business and convinces him to shake things up.

Joel: "We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!

Short:
Business isn't good at the local Chevy dealership, which Mr. Warren confesses to his father. The salesmen aren't any good and the new guy just isn't working out. Dad reminds junior of all the training and hands-on tutelage junior got when he first started. Could that be the answer? Do otherwise intelligent and talented men still thirst for good leadership? Yes! Mr. Warren shakes thing up on Monday morning, much to the delight of sales figures!

Reflections:

Mr. Warren: "We want you to be a regular customer too, Mr. Milton. In fact, we hope you'll buy your next ten cars from us."

Joel: "Ten cars?!?!"

This is one of the first shorts I saw as it is coupled with "Manos". However, it was many years later that I FINALLY saw the first part. I always hated how BBI split this short up (although I understood why they did), but it makes for an interesting entry in the MST3K library.




<< >>

andrew:15

Home Economics Story

RPM

9.356

Steady

B+

317: Viking Women vs the Sea Serpent : - Box Set #34

Andrew's Rank:

15

RPM Rank:

27

Today, on a very special episode... Lou Costello in drag. Look, look, look at my crotch!
I'm huge! That's right, a full case of vodka.

Characters:

Teacher: "Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well."

Tom: "And why I'm being fired."

Kay

: Our heroin of sorts. What will she do when she graduates high school?

Jean, Helen, and Louise

: Kay's college friends who are as equally intimidated about life.

Iowa State

: Mecca of Home Economics. Go Cyclones!

Narrator: "Most of their experiences will be shared with each other."

Tom: "Kegs will be tapped. Men will be used."

Short:
When you're a woman in the 1950's, what sort of choices do you have after high school? Sure, there's college, but isn't that expensive? Even if you go, what kind of majors are available? Glad you asked! Iowa State has lots of girly stuff like Foods and Nutrition (how to pile butter onto hospital food), Textiles and Clothing (designing pants for Chuckles the Clown), Art, Home Appliances, Teaching and Child Development (the girls learn a lot from the children, but are the kids learning anything?), and Food Buymanship (grocery shopping).

Reflections:

Narrator: "She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box."

Crow: (Maniacal laughter.)





<< >>

andrew:34

Is this Love?

RPM

8.682

Slow

C

514: Teenage Strangler : - Box Set #10

Andrew's Rank:

34

RPM Rank:

38

No, Barry White is love. How many times was she held back in school? I love Joe! After all, he's good in the sack and he likes to get high!
Is this guy a football player or a swing choir member?

Characters:

Peg: "Pete's so dull and Joe's so handsome."

Crow: "Handsome equals not dull."

Peg

: Excitable college student who is thrilled with her recent engagement to Joe. She is quickly given a reality check by...

Liz

: Peg's roommate and lifelong friend who imposes her perfect relationship rituals on Peg. She moderates between Peg and...

Peg's Parents

: They oppose Peg's hasty engagement because they haven't met Joe.

Andy: "Peggy thinks it's all hand holding and gazing into each other's eyes."

Mike: "She doesn't know about the stench of ammonia from the piles of crap-filled diapers!"

Short:
This short proves just how important and how boring a perfect dating/engagement scenario is. Peg arrives at the dorm jumpy with giddiness because of her recent engagement to Joe. Liz knows of Peg's tendencies to be confused about love and describes her own relationship in bland detail. Peg's parents arrive on campus to try to talk some sense into Peg, but they are too late as Peg and Joe have left to elope. We are left to discuss the facets of the Liz/Andy and Peg/Joe parings.

Reflections:

Liz: "I remember when I first felt that way about Andy."

Tom: "At the turn of the century."

Just an okay short for me that pales in comparison to the similar and much better "Are You Ready for Marriage?". The actress who plays Liz is an interesting choice to play a college student.




<< >>

andrew:28

Johnny at the Fair

RPM

10.040

Speedy

C+

419: Rebel Set : - Box Set #12

Andrew's Rank:

28

RPM Rank:

15

That sounds like a new band from Seattle. Chemical wonderland. We've all been there, right? Prime Minister King: "What do you think of the new free trade agreement, Johnny?" Johnny: "I have to go horsies."

Characters:

Narrator: "It's hard to decide where to go next."

Joel: "How about home?"

Johnny

: Small boy who doesn't want to see the art exhibit and so wanders away from his parents to see the sights on his own.

Tom: "Then Johnny transmogrifies. He's a shape shifter and he breaks the fourth seal."

Short:
Taking place at the 1947 Canadian National Exhibit, this is the story of all the wonders the fair has to offer told through the eyes of a 5-year-old boy who wanders away from his parents and sees all of the wonders for himself. He meets world-class athletes and dignitaries, rides in a speedboat, visits the "Chemical Wonderland", and takes in all the fair has to offer. After a long day of searching, Johnny's parents finally find him.

Reflections:

Narrator: "They've looked everywhere for Johnny. Everywhere but one place."

Crow: "Their own hearts."

At the start of the short, Joel warns the bots not to get too dark. That being said, this is probably the darkest riffing I have heard. From Johnny's parents' negligence, to Johnny's mental descent and encounters with elicit drugs, to Johnny's parents having marital problems over blame attributed concerning Johnny's disappearance, it even gets to Joel who breaks the dark tension with laughter as Tom sings "Boy for Sale" from "Oliver". Definitely dark and definitely hilarious.




<< >>

andrew:24

Junior Rodeo Daredevils

RPM

12.514

Vroom!

B-

407: Killer Shrews : - Box Set #7

Andrew's Rank:

24

RPM Rank:

2

Smothered in gravy. Texas style! "We'll never escape this town!" Please send donations to this man's family care of "Junior Rodeo".

Characters:

Narrator: "Organize a junior rodeo. Say, now there's an idea."

Tom: "Not a good one, but an idea."

Jeff and Mike

: Two boys who put together the titular rodeo after getting caught vandalizing a horse owned by...

Old-Timer Billy Slater

: When he was young, rodeos were THE thing, and he makes sure that one happens again.

Crow: "When you come right down to it this whole rodeo's just another excuse to crawl inside a whiskey bottle."

Joel: "Crow!"

Short:
Old-timer Billy Slater is minding his own business when he catches two boys attempting to sabotage his horse. With a quick flick of the wrist, Billy lassoes one of the trouble-makers and informs both of them that when he was young, horse thieves were hung from the nearest tree. He takes it a bit easier on them and tells them to organize a junior rodeo complete with calf roping, bronco riding, and horse racing. They do, and the "old cow town" has one heck of a junior rodeo in which many animals are used, many children are shamed, and many limbs are broken.

Reflections:

Narrator: "Here comes Bobby... and there he goes."

Joel: "Fortunately, Bobby didn't need his spine."

This short is interesting because, while watching it, I feel somewhat connected to 1949 when it was made. However, the short itself is intended to connect an audience in 1949 with the late 1890's. Therefore, I feel connected to a time one hundred years ago. It makes me wonder, "How would MY spine hold up if I was doing this?"




<< >>

andrew:31

Juvenile Deliquency

RPM

11.399

Vroom!

C+

518: Atomic Brain : - Box Set #3

Andrew's Rank:

31

RPM Rank:

6

That's a viable career option.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:37

Keeping Clean and Neat

RPM

10.000

Speedy

C-

613: Sinister Urge : - Box Set #9

Andrew's Rank:

37

RPM Rank:

16

Bubbles optional.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:6

Last Clear Chance

RPM

8.529

Slow

A

520: Radar Secret Service : - Box Set #32

Andrew's Rank:

6

RPM Rank:

42

Your last clear chance for fantastic savings! I'm the impish officer of death. I have a feeling someone is about to see their own intestines.
Why don't they look, Ralph?

Characters:

Tom: "Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt cheeks."

Alan Dixon

: Young lad who gets his driver's license just in time for a visit by...

Officer Hal

: Highway patrol officer and friend of the Dixon family who just wants Alan to be safe. In this, he certainly succeeds.

Trains

: Sentient beings that lie in wait at crossings... silently... for passing cars... then SMASH!!!

Short: "Here's another danger that patrolmen see far too often."

Mike: "Women drivers."

Short:
Trains are dangerous and should be treated with respect. This short is told from the perspective of a highway patrol officer in a rural farm town. It turns out that the son of a family he knows just got his license and the officer wants to give him a "birds and bees" version of highway safety complete with jaw dropping statistics and macabre representations of what happens to those who disobey traffic laws and lack any IQ whatsoever. This is all made even more poignant when, at the end of the short, the son takes off down the road, followed by his older brother who ignores the road for thirty whole seconds and runs broadside into a moving train. The engineers are left to opine why people don't look before the officer tongue-lashes us to death.

Reflections:

Crow: "You see son, we all die alone and afraid."

A dark yet effective short that leaves me wondering, did/do people really drive like this? Into the sides of trains, nonetheless?!?!




<< >>

andrew:20

Money Talks

RPM

8.052

Slow

B

621: Beast of Yucca Flats : - Box Set #18

Andrew's Rank:

20

RPM Rank:

46

... And I can't get a word in edge-wise. Would you get your stomach off my desk, please? On behalf of all girls, none of us are going to the dance with you.

Characters:

William: "Why am I always broke?"

Mike: "Maybe it's my crack habit."

William

: A troubled young man who never seems to have enough coin to impress the ladies. To his rescue comes...

Benjamin Franklin

: Yes, THAT Benjamin Franklin, albeit free of his British accent.

William: "Half of a dollar."

Tom: "In those days that would buy a car."

Short:
Poor William. He's turned away from the school dance because he doesn't have enough money for himself and a date. Dejected, he laments his destitution and wonders what Ben Franklin, author of so many money-themed catch-phrases, would have done. Huzzah! Ben Franklin appears! Well, just his silhouette, but the guidance he provides is no less effective. William learns that it's not his $7.00 per week wage that needs increasing, it just needs proper allocation through the use of a budget. Ding! William soon becomes a budgeting master and even impresses his father who, in beaming pride, loans William the money he needs for the dance. Look out ladies!

Reflections:

William: "[Ben Franklin] coulda told me how to keep out of the red."

Crow: "He was the best president we ever had."

This is really a cute short, but it always, ALWAYS, bugs me when media of any sort depicts our founding fathers without British accents. Ben was Virginia-born, but his father was English-born and didn't arrive here until he was 25. Don't tell me Ben would have sounded like a 1950's Midwesterner.




<< >>

andrew:1

Mr. B Natural

RPM

9.632

Speedy

A+

319: War o/t Colossal Beast : - Box Set #34

Andrew's Rank:

1

RPM Rank:

22

So, our main character is a guy. Or, maybe not. This horn was hand-made by an old woman.
Androgyny + conformity = popularity.

Characters:

Joel: "Oscar Wilde only WISHED he was this gay."

Mr. B Natural

: Our spritely hero(in). She IS the spirit of music and zaps in to help those in need of some consoling. Her case subject is...

Buzz

: He just wants to be popular at school and isn't sure how to go about doing it. He also has a pseudo-crush on...

Jeanie

: The cutest girl in school who invites Buzz to a party but is denied because Buzz has lots of homework.

Short: "You've gotta inspect your horn, boy!"

Crow: "And wash it every day."

Short:
This short has a raging case "Peter Pan Syndrome". We start with Mr. B explaining how she goes around connecting the spirit of music to those most in need of it. Her favorite customer is Buzz, just a normal kid who wants to fit in, and is jealous of clarinet prodigy Fred. He summons Mr. B by listening to music to try to feel better. Buzz then gets a lesson on a smattering of brass instruments, inside and out, from factory to music store to band room. He chooses the trumpet and with a little hard work and determination, is soon playing ballad solos at the Snow Days Dance. We end with Mr. B lamenting that music is really nifty.

Reflections:

Fred: "I'm buckin' for the first clarinet chair!"

Tom: "Oh, do you dare?!"

I honestly didn't see this entire short until it was commercially available. Boy did I miss out! I'm gonna go with the masses and agree that this is one of my favorite shorts, tights and all!




<< >>

andrew:26

Once Upon a Honeymoon

RPM

8.621

Slow

B-

701: Night o/t Bloodbeast : - Box Set #16

Andrew's Rank:

26

RPM Rank:

40

The number of times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex. Angels work about as hard as road crews. A bright red phone. A kitchen phone. A freaking phone! (Maniacal laughter)

Characters:

Mary: "I wish the faucets wouldn't drip all day."

Crow: "Aim high, sister!"

Jeff

: Professional song writer who is interrupted just before leaving on his honeymoon by a picky vocalist who wants a rewrite. He is inspired by his wife...

Mary

: A desperate housewife who bides her time before the delayed honeymoon by imagining her house full of brand new electric appliances and telephones whilst singing, much to her husband's delight.

Wilbur

: Jeff and Mary's guardian angel who is sent to Earth to save their honeymoon. He sprinkles heavenly dust on everything to assist them.

Mike: "What would Liberace do? Hmm. I'd better not do that."

Short:
Jeff and Mary are seconds away from their long overdue honeymoon, or so they think before Jeff's boss calls and wants him to quickly rewrite a piece of music known as "The Wishing Song". No problem, except that Jeff is so distracted by thoughts of sex that he can't get his head into music. Mary takes the non-departure quite well and uses the extra time to lament about what life would be like if her home was all redecorated with new furniture, rugs, appliances, and most importantly, lots and lots of telephones. Angel Wilbur liberally applies magic dust to make Mary's fantasy come true. He also gets a bit on the phone and, as Mary dials it, gives Jeff a new rhythm for his song. From there, music and lyrics naturally flow from the couple as Jeff's boss happily listens before wishing them a great honeymoon. Jeff and Mary dance around a bit more before sharing a lustful look as they walk out the door with a suitcase full of prophylactics.

Reflections:

Mike: "The following scene contains graphic sexual content."

What is the point of this short? It seems to be a video brochure for household technology, but it's never quite apparent exactly which one or for what company. Mary mentions phones a lot, but never a certain brand. There's also a heavy reliance on new furniture and linens; both devoid of ANY technological advancements. Soooo, what the heck did we just watch?




<< >>

andrew:19

Out of This World

RPM

8.000

Slow

B

618: High School Big Shot : - Essentials

Andrew's Rank:

19

RPM Rank:

49

Yes, this short is about bread. It's casual day at 3M. Please observe silence while visiting the bread memorial.
Beer wine. Wine made from fresh beer. TRIUMPH OF THE BREAD!

Characters:

Mike: "Can I split your top and butter your buns?"

Red

: He's a hell-spawned yet fruity demon who delights in laziness and low productivity. His coworker and arch nemesis is...

Whitey

: She stands for everything Red abhors. Together, they test the soul of...

Bill Dudley

: A bread truck driver who has seen the light and no longer takes his job for granted.

Bill: "An important, healthy, and basic food that can be served in more than 100 different ways."

Tom: "Actually, one."

Short:
There IS a Heaven and Hell, yet they are consolidated and concerned solely with the well-being of the bread industry. We begin as Red pines for the soul of Bill Dudley, who is now Whitey's property as Bill has turned a for-granted career as a bread truck driver into one of happiness and prosperity. But is Bill just riding a wave or is he serious about the long term? And so, Whitey and Red work together to tempt Bill into slipping back into his old ways. But it's not to be as Bill extols the holy virtues of simple organization that helps him gain grocer goodwill and thus plus-volume. And so, Red is defeated, but vows to keep a close watch on other bread deliverers. Whitey agrees to do the same.

Reflections:

Bill: "You see, I want every customer on my route thinking..."

Mike: "'What a moron.'"

The first time I saw this, I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it was going to be a short for children about doing the right thing, sharing, etc. The fact that it's about the bread industry makes it extremely goofy and M&TB's riffs are outstanding!




<< >>

andrew:48

Phantom Creeps 1

RPM

8.901

Steady

D

203: Jungle Goddess : - Box Set #31

Andrew's Rank:

48

RPM Rank:

35

Is that a French pancake?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:46

Phantom Creeps 2

RPM

11.376

Vroom!

D

205: Rocket Atk. USA : - Box Set #27

Andrew's Rank:

46

RPM Rank:

7

The sequel!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:47

Phantom Creeps 3

RPM

10.313

Vroom!

D

206: Ring of Terror : - Box Set #11

Andrew's Rank:

47

RPM Rank:

12

You'd think by now we'd know it's there.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:27

Posture Pals

RPM

8.254

Slow

B-

320: Unearthly : - Box Set #3

Andrew's Rank:

27

RPM Rank:

44

Second in importance only to the "designated driver".

Characters:

Narrator: "You can see that this boy needs help."

Joel: "He's a loser and the kids let him know it."

Narrator

: Our iambic-pentameter-speaking voice-over who stresses the do's and don't's of proper posture.

Ms. Martin

: Third grade teacher who holds a "posture contest" to improve her kids' posture. Her proteges are...

Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary

: Four students who keep each other in check, dead-set on winning the competition.

Narrator: "...he's leaning backwards and out of balance, just like a house about to fall."

Tom: "Just like his dad on Friday night."

Short:
Proper posture is important, and this short informs us of the yes's and no's or proper posture, or at least as it relates to 9-year-olds. One day, Ms. Martin decides the activity will be to view silhouettes of each child, sketch it on the chalk board, and tell the kids what was wrong or right with each drawing. Four children in particular are especially interested, mainly because their collective posture is so atrocious! They stay after hours for some special posture tutoring, during which Ms. Martin suggests that Tommy and Jimmy team up, as well as Jane and Mary, to hold each other accountable for continued improvement. Their parents join in and soon each child is a poster-child for correct posture. Surprise! They win the competition and are donned the King, Queen, Prince, and Princess of good posture. No word yet on if this will ruin their chances of being cool again, ever.

Reflections:

Narrator: "When Jimmy stands off-balance..."

Crow: "Tears of shame pour down Jimmy's face."

This is one of earliest shorts I saw. It's a good comfortable short that never disappoints.




<< >>

andrew:14

Progress Island USA

RPM

9.764

Speedy

B+

621: Beast of Yucca Flats : - Box Set #18

Andrew's Rank:

14

RPM Rank:

19

When did they change the name? Here, Gilligan plays a set. Spinal injuries are popular on the island.
The music of John Philip Salsa! Yes, even aliens from Mars are here. Even the air supports planes just as it does in the not better USA.
Indigenous cuisine.

Characters:

Narrator: "... the island is on the move."

Mike: "Hawaii?"

Crow: "No, an island."

Puerto Rico

: The island nation and her people in the throws of Americanization.

Narrator: "Modern hospitals..."

Tom: "Are not here."

Narrator: "Luxury hotels..."

Crow: "Are desperately needed."

Short:
This short is a documentary that extols the many virtues of Puerto Rico, with awesome 70's trumpets and wah-wah guitars playing in the background. We learn that Puerto Rico is a land rich in beauty and culture, with skilled hands making stereos, drugs, pink jeans, and rum. There are hotels, band concerts, pineapples, airports, golf courses, and Burger King restaurants. Wow! What doesn't Puerto Rico have? Well, after all of this and more many times over, the U.S.A. still hasn't gotten around to making Puerto Rico a state. I imagine it's because we'd then have to pay the workers the same as workers here in the states, but I'm not touching that one. Anyway, progress!

Reflections:

Narrator: "... the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean."

Crow: "Which we buried in order to build skyscrapers."

Stepping back and looking at the entire MST3K shorts library, this short is an odd one. There's really nothing funny about it. There's no Mr. B natural prancing around in tights, no angel and devil fighting for the soul of a bread delivery man, it's just a documentary on Puerto Rico. That being said, it's one of my favorites. That 70's innocence is somewhat the humor focal point, but I think the clever writing (making something funny that isn't funny) is really the point here.




<< >>

andrew:42

Robot Rumpus

RPM

10.375

Vroom!

D+

912: Screaming Skull : - Box Set #31

Andrew's Rank:

42

RPM Rank:

11

Robot Rump?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:39

Selling Wizard

RPM

9.804

Speedy

C-

603: Dead Talk Back : - Box Set #8

Andrew's Rank:

39

RPM Rank:

18

Poof! It's sold! Huzzah!

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:21

Snow Thrills

RPM

10.813

Vroom!

B

311: It Conquered the World : - Box Set #24

Andrew's Rank:

21

RPM Rank:

9

I did it for the snow thrills, man!

Characters:

Narrator: "'Shi-ing' is the correct pronunciation, they tell us."

Joel: "Yea, well you're full of 'skit'."

Narrator

: Takes us through a winter wonderland of fun and sport and informs us on the correct pronunciations of certain events.

Crow: "Yes, it's never too early to fuse your spinal cord together. In a few years these children will be addicted to pain-killers, but for now little Billy is paralyzed."

Short:
This short advertises all of the fun you can have in wintertime if you are an adventurous soul. From bobsledding to ski jumping and ski-horing to shee-ing (which is the correct pronunciation, we're told), the entertainment is bounded only by your imagination and ability to deal with the pain of a compound leg fracture.

Reflections:

Narrator: "It's the biggest one-man thrill in Jack Frost's show."

Joel: "I know a better one... Forget I said that."

The ski jumping always makes me laugh. Why in the world did the jumps flail their arms like that? Perhaps they thought the centrifugal force kept them aloft better? I'd think it would knock you off balance. Anyway...




<< >>

andrew:32

Speech: Platform Appearance

RPM

7.557

Snail

C

619: Red Zone Cuba : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

32

RPM Rank:

54

Speech! Speech! When preparing for a speech, make sure your part is gouged into your skull. Shave tall, crouch tall, and jump tall.
The knee test can help you look poised and dignified.

Characters:

Narrator: "The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech."

Tom: "After the human nipple."

Narrator

: Extols the virtues of good platform appearance and tells us how to look good and be nice and comfy for a speech.

Bad Speakers

: Drunk, old, and off-balance, these guys leave no "DON'T" stone unturned.

Narrator: "She looks frightened and excessively formal."

Crow: "And yet startlingly erotic."

Short:
When giving a good speech, knowing what you're talking about is great. However, this short informs us that nearly as important as being informed is looking good and being physically comfortable. And so, we are notified that having clean hair, a pressed suit, and good posture are indispensible tools. The most important of these is the "knee test" which involves placing your hands on your knees and rhythmically swirling your rump around to make sure you don't fall over. Master that, and your speech is sure to knock 'em dead.

Reflections:

Narrator: "Having your shoes shined will help you make a better speech."

Tom: "The polish gets you high."

As this short is coupled with "Red Zone Cuba" it is the first short I owned in DVD quality. I've watched it too many times to count.




<< >>

andrew:12

Speech: Using Your Voice

RPM

9.074

Steady

A-

313: Earth vs the Spider : - Box Set #33

Andrew's Rank:

12

RPM Rank:

32

And I do mean 'use'. It's okay to be jealous of my wire rack. This girl is marked by carelessness, and the devil.
Don't open beer bottles with your teeth. Here's young George Patton; a patriot and into high-grade weed.

Characters:

Professor: "Use plenty of lip and tongue action."

Professor

: He guides us through the three main ways that we can be good speakers.

Bad Speakers

: They show us what definitely not to do.

Professor: "The first thing you should do is learn the three basic aims of public speaking."

Tom: "Lie, lie, and lie."

Short:
Giving a good speech is hard. You have to remember to be heard, understood, and pleasing. However, these are not unobtainable. In fact, if people stopped being so careless and stopped showing up to speeches drunk or stopped speaking about stuff as dull as who was sitting in this seat first at the ball game, we could all be interesting and effective speakers.

Reflections:

Professor: "The trouble with most speakers can be traced to one thing."

Tom: "Tight underthings."

I haven't really seen this one that much, but it is one of the first shorts I saw, so I have a certain level of comfort with it.




<< >>

andrew:41

Spring Fever

RPM

7.652

Snail

D+

1012: Squirm : - Box Set #31

Andrew's Rank:

41

RPM Rank:

53

Not me. I'm more of a "Fall".

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:33

Truck Farmer

RPM

8.860

Steady

C

507: I Accuse my Parents : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

33

RPM Rank:

36

This second edition includes scenes originally thought too graphic for audiences.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:30

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm

RPM

9.574

Speedy

C+

607: Bloodlust : - Box Set #1

Andrew's Rank:

30

RPM Rank:

23

I thought I smelled something. Now they have nothing to look forward to. Ow! I found a pitchfork!
Betty and Jane prepare a mint sauce.

Characters:

Narrator: "The little chicks have become grown chicks."

Crow: "They want to wear makeup and nylons."

George and Betty

: Two young city slickers who are spending the summer with their dairy-farming cousins...

Andy, Jane, and Bill

: They live on said farm and show everyone exactly what goes on there.

Uncle Jim: "Cows are a lot like people."

Tom: "They're sinners."

Short:
There comes a time in the life of every city-slicker that they get out to a rural area to see where their beef, milk, and lettuce come from. This, is that time. This short chronicles George and Betty and the summer they spend on the farm of their Uncle Jim. The main crop here is milk, but there aren't just cows here. No! There are chickens, pigs, lambs, and corn. There's a hay loft with a rope swing and even bells and tractors and stuff. We learn along with them that pretty much everything and everyone on a farm needs good nourishing food, lots of clean water, clean and comfortable living quarters, clean air, clean this and that, and butter to grow strong and healthy... before being eaten at dinner time.

Reflections:

Narrator: "They all learned about pigs too."

Mike: "More than you'd EVER want to know."





<< >>

andrew:45

Undersea Kingdom 1

RPM

11.870

Vroom!

D+

406: Atk. o/t Giant Leeches : - Box Set #6

Andrew's Rank:

45

RPM Rank:

3

I give them kudos for not using "death" in the title.

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:44

Undersea Kingdom 2

RPM

12.771

Vroom!

D+

409: Indestructible Man : - Box Set #11

Andrew's Rank:

44

RPM Rank:

1

You mean New Orleans?

Characters:


Short:

Reflections:





<< >>

andrew:5

What To Do On a Date

RPM

9.245

Steady

A

503: Swamp Diamonds : - Box Set #10

Andrew's Rank:

5

RPM Rank:

28

I need to know what NOT to do on a date. A date to a scavenger sale?! I'm in love! The maestro's dating acumen is questioned.
Never agree to a weenie roast on a first date.

Characters:

Crow: "I need to know what NOT to do on a date."

Nick

: Our poor dope of a subject. He's just now jumped into the dating pool and isn't quite sure how to swim. To his rescue comes good buddy...

Jeff

: "Maestro" Jeff has all kinds of fun date ideas and does what he can to help Nick in his quest for the companionship of...

Kay

: The object of Nick's affection. She's a swell girl who loves a good weenie roast.

Short: (Jeff urges Nick to call Kay on the phone.)

Tom: "I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Hang up the phone."

Short:
Nick decides that he wants to ask Kay out on a date, but isn't sure where to go, what to do, what to say, or how to ask her out. In other words, he's in deep dating trouble. His friend, Jeff, is already an experienced ladies' man and gives Nick all the pointers he needs. Nick successfully asks Kay out on a date to get the community center ready for a scavenger sale. They have inane, yet comfortable, conversation. While Kay is helping to get lunch ready, Nick discovers that Jeff gets all his original dating ideas from the events calendar which is chock full of things like swim meets, weenie roasts, taffy pulls, and square dances. Nick takes the plunge and asks Kay out for a second date without Jeff's input. Nervous Nick is relieved to learn that Kay likes a lot of the same activities that he likes and the short leaves us wondering, albeit optimistically, about the fate of Kay and Nick.

Reflections:

Nick: "I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date."

Joel: "With a loser like me."

If memory serves, this is one of the first shorts I saw and it still holds up. With a subject like "dating" you'd expect J&TB to be a bit naughty, and they certainly are, but never crude.




<< >>

andrew:3

Why Study Industrial Arts?

RPM

8.920

Steady

A+

609: Skydivers : - Box Set #1

Andrew's Rank:

3

RPM Rank:

34

Because you're bad at math. Can you staple my ears back? I can't get this thing back in my pants, Earl.
Please don't touch me again.

Characters:

Joe: "I love... the dull 'tap tap' of tools on leather."

Crow: "I keep 'Popular Mechanics' under my mattress."

Joe

: Your average Joe and future carpenter who extols the virtues of shop class to...

Bill

: He is made to understand why shop class is so necessary, even to business majors.

Mr. Barnes

: The shop teacher who knows that industrial arts are the keys to a fulfilling vocation.

Coach

: Basketball coach who preaches on industrial arts and how they've helped his home life.

Joe: "I love... chisels.

Tom: "What about girls, young man? Girls."

Mike: "Nope. Chisels.

Short:
Bill walks into Joe's shop class just as Joe is putting the finishing touches a table he has made. Bill admires the quality, yet wonders if such skill trades are really worth the effort. Joe fills Bill in on all the details of the country's expansion and the need for many more young architects, draftsmen, engineers, carpenters, steelworkers, plumbers, electricians, foundrymen, tool operators, and mechanics to design and build the future. Heck, even if you decide not to pursue one of those vocations, industrial arts will still help you to successfully fulfill a few of your manly duties around the house.

Reflections:

Coach: "...I've done a lot of work on the house myself."

Tom: "I put a patio in the living room."

This was quite possibly the first short I ever saw on the show and I still have fond memories of watching in delight as Mike and the bots sang "Tool Operator".




<< >>

andrew:23

X Marks the Spot

RPM

8.605

Slow

B-

210: King Dinosaur : - Box Set #23

Andrew's Rank:

23

RPM Rank:

41

For fantastic savings! Wow! That was awesome!

Characters:

Narrator: "There was a street intersection not far from where Joe lived."

Crow: "Called 'Blood Alley.'"

Joe Dokes

: Your average guy who has some horrible, perhaps deadly, driving habits.

Guardian Angel

: Having made traffic mistakes himself, he's in charge of protecting Joe by...

God

: The Almighty himself who decides eternal fates based on driving records.

Angel: "He was always sneaking up and scaring the wits out of pedestrians."

Joel: "Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed that."

Short:
Think driving is dangerous now? This sad little short is proof that it's ALWAYS been a date with death. Increasing the agony, we see that Heaven is nothing more than traffic court for the recently departed. Our anti-hero is Joe Dokes, and otherwise well-meaning man who, at every opportunity, tempts the fates with risky and downright dumb traffic decisions. He's aided somewhat by a guardian angel who, as we learn, has been put in charge of Joe's driving conscience to atone for his own driving mistakes during his life. The angel apparently fails in this task as Joe and another driver collide high-speed in a totally unsigned intersection. He ushers Joe to heaven court where God declares that the angel has repaid his debt and is free before reading Joe and the audience the riot act for our selfish and horrid driving!

Reflections:

God: "Guardian, I want to whole truth."

Tom: "So help me, me!"





<< >>

andrew:4

Young Man's Fancy

RPM

8.408

Slow

A+

610: Violent Years : - Box Set #22

Andrew's Rank:

4

RPM Rank:

43

Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. This is my friend, Alexander. We're gonna grab a shower. Judy, in full-on "squishy" mode.
Yeah, Judy. Time studies have bagged me tons of chicks just like you. Now let's work on that zipper.

Characters:

Judy: "Jeepers! Is he cool! Really cool!"

Mike: "Tonight's the night, Mom!"

Judy

: Bacon lover who hates her brother but learns the hot, steamy ways of electrical appliances via her brother's college friend...

Alexander Phipps

: He visits the Adams' for the weekend because he has an engineering job lined up in the city and needs to finalize some things. He impresses everyone with his mechanical and electrical knowledge. Mainl

Mrs. Adams

: Level-headed matriarch who loves her new electric kitchen and helps Judy use it as a man-trap.

Mr. Adams

: Pretty much just along for the ride, but he scores some free tickets to a seminar on how to grow mushrooms.

Alex: "And you said she couldn't boil water without burning it."

Mike: "You're a damned liar!"

Short:
This very soap-operaish little short presents to us the struggles of a love-stricken young woman who longs for male affection. The struggle unfolds before us as several electric home appliances' efficiencies are tapped to serve the girl's every whim. I don't know if Fabio was on the cover or not. Anyway, Judy hears that her brother Bill is bringing his brainiac roommate home for the weekend. His name is Alexander Phipps and Judy assumes his looks match his horrid name. She is proven very wrong and her mother senses that Judy wants Alex for her very own. Alex further turns Judy all squishy with his knowledge of various electric appliances and the time studies that went into developing them. Judy sends forth her legion of electric kitchen appliances to cook a whole meal for the entire family. Alex, who appears to be made equally squishy by it all, rewards Judy by taking her dancing. Bill pays for his scorning of Judy by loading the dishes into the electric dishwasher while we learn that Dad has swiped mushroom growing seminar tickets from Alex.

Reflections:

Mike: "Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy."

This short was really kind of a surprise for me. When reflecting on what shorts I liked better than others, this one was picked a heck of a lot. Completely independent of MST3K, it is actually a very nice story about sibling rivalry and young love which almost hides its true colors as a commercial for electric appliances. That being said, it needed to be riffed on and M&TB knock everything out of the park.